THE JOURNEY TO ENLIGHTENMENT

........BECOMING A MORE LOVING PERSON
.....DISCOVERING EVERYONE IS YOUR FRIEND
...
................ STEP 1 ................
when someone upsets you seek a quiet place
calm down by visualizing LOVE flowing through you
................ STEP 2 ................
write down what you think the other person was trying to tell you
................ STEP 3 ................
return and thank him for having the courage and taking the time
to point out areas for you to improve making you a more loving person
this step is very very difficult as you must first overcome your fear
................ STEP 4 ................
show him your list of ideas he suggested
ask him if this is what he meant to tell you
he will be happy to point out where your list is correct
and where it needs to be revised
thank him again for his suggestions
and tell him you will be working on them
and want him to keep an eye on you
and let you know when you need more help
................ STEP 5 ................
return to your quiet place
divide the list into three piles
put the most difficult one's on your mental shelf
to be worked on when you are able to address them
make a second almost able to do pile
now start working on the easiest pile
................ STEP 6 ................
watch the other person’s reaction to your efforts
to remove your faults using his suggestions
you have turned an enemy into a teacher into a friend
................ STEP 7 ................
WHEN THE STUDENT IS READY THE TEACHER WILL APPEAR
*********** YOU HAVE JUST MET ONE ***********
................ STEP 8 ................
anytime someone upsets you repeat these steps
you will eventually reach a point
where you will be seeking out people who can upset you
and they will become harder and harder to find
...
... ABSOLUTE JUSTICE
...
your thoughts are magnets and will attract others with similar magnets
the two coming in contact will dissipate each other
the result will be as pleasant or unpleasant for you as the thought was when you created it
this is an absolute system of justice
and by your choices you are your own judge
...
... MILE MARKERS ON YOUR JOURNEY
...
self......................individual consciousness
self centered.........focused upon your own interests
self serving...........advancing your own interests
self willed..............tenacious adherence to your own interests
self doubt..............questioning your direction
self judgment.........evaluating your direction
self pity................seeing your lack of concern for others
self evaluation.......determining your worth
self mastery..........removing ego from all decisions
self less................your primary concern is your effect upon others
self......................group consciousness
.
all of us will reach this last 'self'
where we are over qualified to be famous
and under qualified to be invisible
by allowing love to express through us
we are becoming a quiet helper a teacher
some call these angels
...
... LIVING AN IMPERSONAL LIFE
...
use 'i' and 'me' with an apology
'you' with a compliment
refer to 'self' by first name
...
... INTEGRITY
...
integrity has he who is what he believes others should be
...
... IS THE CUP HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY ?
...
assume the cup is our mind
and can hold only negative and positive thoughts
if it is half full of negative thoughts
trying to remove them one by one
we end up with an empty cup
but if we keep putting positive thoughts into the cup
each positive will push a negative one out of the cup
we end up with a cup full of positive thoughts
...
... EXPERIENCE
...
understanding (belief) is what you read or were told
the stove is hot
knowing (faith) is the 'action' of personal discovery
touching the stove
the difference between understanding and knowing is 'experience'
and each new experience creates more compassion and less fear
moving you closer to your 'ideal'
...
... IDEAL
...
a moral guide post or compass
i am light going to meet light and only goodness can result
let there be more love in the world and let some flow through me
I AM expressing I AM THAT I AM
create your own ideal
refer to it frequently
and only make decisions that match this 'ideal'
...
... CRITICISM AND SUGGESTION ARE THE SAME WORD
...
criticism -- being reminded you are not following your 'ideal'
and unhappy you were reminded
suggestion --being reminded you are not following your 'ideal'
and thankful someone took the time to tell you
seek out people who can upset you
and thank them for pointing out your faults
refer to 'Discovering Everyone Is Your Friend' above
...
... HOW DO YOU FIND A TRUE TEACHER ?
...
criticize him
a 'true' teacher will never react feeling it was a criticism
he will know it was a suggestion
to him criticism and suggestion are the same word
there will be a pause
as he analyzes your input
using the eight step program above
then he will thank you
this friend is a role model
...
... FORGIVENESS CLOSURE
...
you cannot forgive another only yourself
for holding such anger against another
forgiveness will happen when you are able to refocus your thoughts
anger attracts anger
calm attracts peace 'closure'
'Absolute Justice' will establish balance
...
... JUST A SUGGESTION
...
"be more aware of MY presence"
...
... LOVE
...
there is an eternal creative presence in each of us
our purpose is to allow this presence to express through us
this expression we call LOVE
by giving attention acknowledgment appreciation respect and admiration to all we encounter
until it becomes so automatic we are no longer aware of doing it
we have become a channel for this expression
by giving what we wanted to receive
we became that which we sought
...
... THE SILENCE
...
purpose of yoga and meditation
become quiet
assume a comfortable position
focus on a positive mental image
until you are aware of your body and mind
but they no longer interfere
enter the silence
you are no longer aware of your mind and body
you and your soul are one
become absorbed by the 'presence'
your soul is one with the 'presence'
your focus is absolute without 'time'
your minds are joined
allowing the 'presence' to express through you
your whole life changes
becoming easier
more fulfilling
healthy
you are no longer responsible for your actions
you are only responsible for remaining 'receptive'
this is called
...
... ENLIGHTENMENT
... THE AWAKENING
...

...
... FILLING THE 'VOID' WITHIN
...
we each have an 'empty' spot within
and we spend our time seeking to fill this emptyness
we call this being 'lonely'
imagine we each have a 'love' tank within us
and the degree of empty or lonely we feel
is how much 'love' we have in our tank
happy, content, sad, worried, depressed all describe this
...
we say there are 'good' and 'bad' people
these words only describe how much love is in someone's tank
our purpose is to acquire more love and this happens
each time we allow the 'presence' to express through us
...
we are not here to change others
we are here to change ourself
others will notice this 'enlightened' change
and through admiration of our efforts
they will seek to make similar changes in their lives
and when they encounter difficulties
they will ask us how we were able to overcome them
we have become the 'teacher' we have always sought
...
when we have a problem
we are the problem
as we are the only thing we can change
...
others are here to 'upset' us by providing contrast
showing us we need to make a personal change within
we need to be thankful they took the time to help us
by listening to their advice we can grow
others are at their own level of awareness
and are trying to grow just as we are
our purpose is become a friend to everyone
to become a silent teacher a quiet helper
we are all 'one'
...
... 'PEACE'
...
falling sleep .. waking up .. we are calm and at 'peace'
this is where the 'presence' exists
'contrast' .. good-bad .. sad-happy .. cannot exist
when we are in this state of 'peace'
we need to become more aware of how pleasant we feel
...
awake .. we are in the home of 'contrast'
this is when we easily experience being upset angry sad
when awake remember the pleasant state of being at 'peace'
and practice returning to it to allow anger lonely sad to disappear
...
if we have a contrast thought while at 'peace' we immediately jump to awake
our goal is to remain at 'peace' all the time
this is the 'impersonal' state .. healthy without fear desire or need
here we are open to the voice of 'intuition'
if we unknowingly upset another an apology is automatic
we are seeking to encourage others with kindness and encouragement
...
the purpose of the state of 'peace' to be at one with the 'presence'
and allow the 'presence' to express through us
this is the state we call 'love'
something we all are constantly seeking without success
because we cannot share love with each other
we can only allow it to happen through us
...
we have become so detached from our connection with the 'presence'
we have forgotten who we really are
being at 'peace' returns us 'home'
...

10.10.10


Something amazing happened today. I received a link from the 11:11 Awakening group on Facebook. It was a link to a sound and it ran for over seven minutes. I never would have thought it possible that hearing those frequencies in a sustained manner could give me such a feeling inside my body. It felt as if my lymphatic system was draining, my body felt lighter and I felt more peaceful and energetic. I am going to have to listen to this kind of thing more often.

Stevens Johnson Syndrome

Over three years ago, Quinn got braces and an expander put in. It was not the first time she had had some foreign metal installed in her mouth. When she was 7, the dentist had tried to control her thumb sucking with an appliance, but she contracted several persistant and penicillin resistant strep infections, and he took the appliance out as a precaution, because he could not rule out the possibility that the appliance was part of the problem.

A few weeks after the braces were installed, we again had to have a throat culture taken and Amoxil prescribed. A few days later she presented with what looked like pinkeye, so drops were prescribed. A day or two later her eyes and lips swelled up so the clinic sent us to the Children's hospital. The infectious disease clinic thought it was a virus but the eye clinic suspected SJ syndrome. The infectious disease clinic thought not because she did not have all the classic symptoms elsewhere on her body. Since only the mucous membranes in her eyes, nose and throat were affected they were reluctant to call it Stevens Johnson. They did not admit her, but asked us to return every day for a week so they could give her IV fluids, tylenol 3 for the high fever, and just keep consulting. They also gave her a 5 day course of Azithromycin.

She was no better after a week and they were no closer to a diagnosis. I got used to wheeling Quinn around the hospital between the two dueling clinics. It was wierd to see all the parents of other sick children looking so pathetically at the two of us. Were ther concerned for me or for Quinn or for themselves, wondering if she had some contagious disease? There was nothing wrong with her legs but she could not see properly because of the loss of the epitheum layer over her corneas and a membrane kept growing inside her upper eyelids. It had to be removed every few days. When she opened her mouth it was like that of a pus-filled monster in a horror flick.

I kept asking if she should have all the dental hardware removed. They finally shrugged and admitted it was worth a try. The orthodontist met us at his clinic on a Sunday morning and 20 minutes after they were out of her mouth, she opened her eyes for the first time in over a week!
The improvement was immediate and these pictures were taken by the eye specialist in the next few days.

The infectious disease clinic referred us to a dermatologist. He prescribed a concoction of Kao-Pectate mixed with xylecaine that Quinn gargled with before eating, to numb the pain of the food making contact with all that raw skin. He also ordered tests.

Quinn lost a whole month at school. Several months later she was sent to an allergist for more tests. She came out allergic to thiomercal, which is a preservative found in most eyedrops but that probably developed as a result of all the medications she was given while ill. The results showed no metal or penicillin allergy, but she was told to avoid both penicillin and ibuprophen as a precautionary measure.

I am writing this all down for one reason: to give someone else help and hope if they find themselves with a similiar, atypical reaction. The eye specialist said she was going to write a paper about this if Quinn turned out to have a proven allergy to metals. Sadly, there is no scientific proof that my own theory has any validity, the medical databases are so far empty. I think someday there will be a new syndrome discovered, a variant of SJ caused by the dual presence of metals and penicillin, neither allergy producing on its own but a deadly catalytic combination for some like my daughter. 

Hypo again!

I saw my internist again today. The results of Monday's blood test show my T4 is at 6.9 (normal is 8-22) I was surprised, because even though I felt cold and tired lately, I had put that down to fighting the cold virus that Quinn caught. That may well be, but I STILL feel better on the natural, dessicated pig thyroid than I ever did on Synthroid. May it's all in my head, but I feel like my mood is more natural, not drug induced. I felt angry most of the time, and everytime I caught myself in the mirror, I had a scowl on my face. My doctor is changing his prevvious position and now saying that there may be a small co-relation between the worsening of my eyes and hormone level. Just proves once again that doctors don't know as much as they sometimes let on. He seems impressed that I've done some research of my own. It's scary when a doctor lets on that a patient may have more up-to-date information than he has. I'm really hopeful that now that my dosage of thyroid has been raised from 60 to 90 mg, I have a pretty good shot at getting to the higher end of the T4 range, thus the lower end of the TSH range, since they are always inverse. I am impatient for this to be achieved, but I know it will take at least a month, maybe several before the drug's effects are stabilized for me. Then, I will kick the myself in the derriere and there will be NO MORE EXCUSES to staying this fat.

Hormone Woes

I saw my GP on Friday. My TSH level is presently 2.8 and the range is 2 to 6, so she did not change my meds. I am still on 0.175 Synthroid. She agreed that something is not right, though so after urging, she wrote an order for more bloodtests to find out my T3 and T4 levels. I'll go get that done tonight. She has referred me back to my internist. He can't see me until Feb 23. In the meantime I am researching holistic methods. Seems that some hypothyroid patients that can't lose weight have abnormal T3 levels; their bodies don't make efficiently use the T4 to make their own T3. I have a feeling I am one of these folks. Apparently holistic doctors are willing to accept 1-2 as a better TSH level, so by that yardstick mine would still be too high. Also, holistic doctors often prescribe natural thyroid hormone extracted from pigs. So it appears I have options to explore. I just hate the idea of having to fork out $320.00/hr for something that a conventional doctor is most likely unwilling to try. Hoping for a turnaround soon...

Graves Disease / Graves Eye Disease

In May 2004, shortly after I started a new drafting assignment, I began to feel unwell. I thought it was the flue. I was achey, short of breath and tired, but after 12 days it was time to go to the walk-in clinic. The doctor sent me for bloodwork and my doctor called me in to tell me I had Graves disease. I had heard of it but did not remember what it was. I did not realize that it was the same disease my grandmother contracted in her 80's. I later learned it is an autoimmune disease caused when the body detects a garden variety virus, but then produced t-cells or lymphocytes with the wrong code. Instead of attacking the virus, one kind attacked the protein on the surface of my thyroid, the other kind went after the fatty tissue behind my eyes. The doctor notice I was having trouble breathing and clammy so she sent me straight to emergency. They call it a thyroid storm. It felt like I had to jump out of my own skin. I was shaking so hard, I nearly fell off the bed. They gave me some IV drugs to slow down my heart (150+/min) and kept me for two days. I was anxious to go home, though, so I left at first opportunity with a few prescriptions. This was a mistake. I was very weak, could barely get to the washroom and Paul and Quinn had to care for me for a few days. I was in bed most of the time for 3 months, only out long enough to get water, fruit, yoghurt and use the washroom. I suffered constant nausea. I lost a lot of weight, most of it muscle. This photo was taken in July. I managed to sit up long enough to celebrate my parent's 50th anniversary. I was off work for about 6 months and had my thyroid killed with radioactive iodine 11 months ago. Now I am on synthoid to regulate my metabolic functions, but my bloodwork shows I am still not stabilized. I am having corrective plastic surgery on my eyes this summer. I think my condition may have something to do with the big weight gain last week. Everyone I have spoken to about it says it is a mystery. Any ideas out there?