THE JOURNEY TO ENLIGHTENMENT

........BECOMING A MORE LOVING PERSON
.....DISCOVERING EVERYONE IS YOUR FRIEND
...
................ STEP 1 ................
when someone upsets you seek a quiet place
calm down by visualizing LOVE flowing through you
................ STEP 2 ................
write down what you think the other person was trying to tell you
................ STEP 3 ................
return and thank him for having the courage and taking the time
to point out areas for you to improve making you a more loving person
this step is very very difficult as you must first overcome your fear
................ STEP 4 ................
show him your list of ideas he suggested
ask him if this is what he meant to tell you
he will be happy to point out where your list is correct
and where it needs to be revised
thank him again for his suggestions
and tell him you will be working on them
and want him to keep an eye on you
and let you know when you need more help
................ STEP 5 ................
return to your quiet place
divide the list into three piles
put the most difficult one's on your mental shelf
to be worked on when you are able to address them
make a second almost able to do pile
now start working on the easiest pile
................ STEP 6 ................
watch the other person’s reaction to your efforts
to remove your faults using his suggestions
you have turned an enemy into a teacher into a friend
................ STEP 7 ................
WHEN THE STUDENT IS READY THE TEACHER WILL APPEAR
*********** YOU HAVE JUST MET ONE ***********
................ STEP 8 ................
anytime someone upsets you repeat these steps
you will eventually reach a point
where you will be seeking out people who can upset you
and they will become harder and harder to find
...
... ABSOLUTE JUSTICE
...
your thoughts are magnets and will attract others with similar magnets
the two coming in contact will dissipate each other
the result will be as pleasant or unpleasant for you as the thought was when you created it
this is an absolute system of justice
and by your choices you are your own judge
...
... MILE MARKERS ON YOUR JOURNEY
...
self......................individual consciousness
self centered.........focused upon your own interests
self serving...........advancing your own interests
self willed..............tenacious adherence to your own interests
self doubt..............questioning your direction
self judgment.........evaluating your direction
self pity................seeing your lack of concern for others
self evaluation.......determining your worth
self mastery..........removing ego from all decisions
self less................your primary concern is your effect upon others
self......................group consciousness
.
all of us will reach this last 'self'
where we are over qualified to be famous
and under qualified to be invisible
by allowing love to express through us
we are becoming a quiet helper a teacher
some call these angels
...
... LIVING AN IMPERSONAL LIFE
...
use 'i' and 'me' with an apology
'you' with a compliment
refer to 'self' by first name
...
... INTEGRITY
...
integrity has he who is what he believes others should be
...
... IS THE CUP HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY ?
...
assume the cup is our mind
and can hold only negative and positive thoughts
if it is half full of negative thoughts
trying to remove them one by one
we end up with an empty cup
but if we keep putting positive thoughts into the cup
each positive will push a negative one out of the cup
we end up with a cup full of positive thoughts
...
... EXPERIENCE
...
understanding (belief) is what you read or were told
the stove is hot
knowing (faith) is the 'action' of personal discovery
touching the stove
the difference between understanding and knowing is 'experience'
and each new experience creates more compassion and less fear
moving you closer to your 'ideal'
...
... IDEAL
...
a moral guide post or compass
i am light going to meet light and only goodness can result
let there be more love in the world and let some flow through me
I AM expressing I AM THAT I AM
create your own ideal
refer to it frequently
and only make decisions that match this 'ideal'
...
... CRITICISM AND SUGGESTION ARE THE SAME WORD
...
criticism -- being reminded you are not following your 'ideal'
and unhappy you were reminded
suggestion --being reminded you are not following your 'ideal'
and thankful someone took the time to tell you
seek out people who can upset you
and thank them for pointing out your faults
refer to 'Discovering Everyone Is Your Friend' above
...
... HOW DO YOU FIND A TRUE TEACHER ?
...
criticize him
a 'true' teacher will never react feeling it was a criticism
he will know it was a suggestion
to him criticism and suggestion are the same word
there will be a pause
as he analyzes your input
using the eight step program above
then he will thank you
this friend is a role model
...
... FORGIVENESS CLOSURE
...
you cannot forgive another only yourself
for holding such anger against another
forgiveness will happen when you are able to refocus your thoughts
anger attracts anger
calm attracts peace 'closure'
'Absolute Justice' will establish balance
...
... JUST A SUGGESTION
...
"be more aware of MY presence"
...
... LOVE
...
there is an eternal creative presence in each of us
our purpose is to allow this presence to express through us
this expression we call LOVE
by giving attention acknowledgment appreciation respect and admiration to all we encounter
until it becomes so automatic we are no longer aware of doing it
we have become a channel for this expression
by giving what we wanted to receive
we became that which we sought
...
... THE SILENCE
...
purpose of yoga and meditation
become quiet
assume a comfortable position
focus on a positive mental image
until you are aware of your body and mind
but they no longer interfere
enter the silence
you are no longer aware of your mind and body
you and your soul are one
become absorbed by the 'presence'
your soul is one with the 'presence'
your focus is absolute without 'time'
your minds are joined
allowing the 'presence' to express through you
your whole life changes
becoming easier
more fulfilling
healthy
you are no longer responsible for your actions
you are only responsible for remaining 'receptive'
this is called
...
... ENLIGHTENMENT
... THE AWAKENING
...

...
... FILLING THE 'VOID' WITHIN
...
we each have an 'empty' spot within
and we spend our time seeking to fill this emptyness
we call this being 'lonely'
imagine we each have a 'love' tank within us
and the degree of empty or lonely we feel
is how much 'love' we have in our tank
happy, content, sad, worried, depressed all describe this
...
we say there are 'good' and 'bad' people
these words only describe how much love is in someone's tank
our purpose is to acquire more love and this happens
each time we allow the 'presence' to express through us
...
we are not here to change others
we are here to change ourself
others will notice this 'enlightened' change
and through admiration of our efforts
they will seek to make similar changes in their lives
and when they encounter difficulties
they will ask us how we were able to overcome them
we have become the 'teacher' we have always sought
...
when we have a problem
we are the problem
as we are the only thing we can change
...
others are here to 'upset' us by providing contrast
showing us we need to make a personal change within
we need to be thankful they took the time to help us
by listening to their advice we can grow
others are at their own level of awareness
and are trying to grow just as we are
our purpose is become a friend to everyone
to become a silent teacher a quiet helper
we are all 'one'
...
... 'PEACE'
...
falling sleep .. waking up .. we are calm and at 'peace'
this is where the 'presence' exists
'contrast' .. good-bad .. sad-happy .. cannot exist
when we are in this state of 'peace'
we need to become more aware of how pleasant we feel
...
awake .. we are in the home of 'contrast'
this is when we easily experience being upset angry sad
when awake remember the pleasant state of being at 'peace'
and practice returning to it to allow anger lonely sad to disappear
...
if we have a contrast thought while at 'peace' we immediately jump to awake
our goal is to remain at 'peace' all the time
this is the 'impersonal' state .. healthy without fear desire or need
here we are open to the voice of 'intuition'
if we unknowingly upset another an apology is automatic
we are seeking to encourage others with kindness and encouragement
...
the purpose of the state of 'peace' to be at one with the 'presence'
and allow the 'presence' to express through us
this is the state we call 'love'
something we all are constantly seeking without success
because we cannot share love with each other
we can only allow it to happen through us
...
we have become so detached from our connection with the 'presence'
we have forgotten who we really are
being at 'peace' returns us 'home'
...

My world seems brighter now


We have a new mayor. He is someone who captured my attention years ago with his residential planning suggestions. I discovered he thinks the way I do. Now all of Calgary has heard of him, and some are actually afraid of him because he is a Muslim. We obviously have a lot of work ahead of us in the here and now but I believe he will actually improve the way our city is run.

What's wrong with me?


I watched some of the Chilean miners' rescue, like a billion other people. I am glad they are out and I am impressed with the technology that achieved this. I am also pleased for their families that the waiting and wondering is over. But that is where it ends. I don't care about it anymore. I don't want to watch a movie or read a book about it. I don't understand how this event could balloon into something this big and apparently hold so much meaning for so many people that have no connection to these people or the country, or the industry. Am I missing a gene the rest of you have? I can feel compassion for a lot of people in a lot of situations, but I am not feeling it to the same degree as everyone else around me. Something has changed me. I think it may be all the reading and research I have been doing this past year on the nature of our existance. The vastness of the universe and divine concerns may be putting earthly events into a different context. I am not sure where all this is leading, but it is a path I am eager to follow.

10.10.10


Something amazing happened today. I received a link from the 11:11 Awakening group on Facebook. It was a link to a sound and it ran for over seven minutes. I never would have thought it possible that hearing those frequencies in a sustained manner could give me such a feeling inside my body. It felt as if my lymphatic system was draining, my body felt lighter and I felt more peaceful and energetic. I am going to have to listen to this kind of thing more often.

On forgiveness


Do you find it easier to forgive or ask for forgiveness? I have been doing some reading on this recently. It doesn't seem to matter how big or small the transgression, or how long ago the harm occurred. Some people can't let go of their issues and some are too prideful to acknowledge their issues. I think there is more to learn. Then pray and meditate. Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.

Eat,Pray,Love


Thanks to a late arriving birthday present, this book came into my hands just when I needed it. Although I could not relate to the issues Elizabeth Gilbert had with her life, I thoroughly enjoyed the telling of it. Italy certainly was a more enriching experience for her than I found it to be. Italian food is very good, but I have never felt it necessary to go there to find a good plate of pasta or pizza.

My friend who gave me this book had been in India this year. They had very different experiences as well. This was the third of the book I enjoyed the most. Her search for a relationship with God was so pathetically honest and funny at the same time. I got a lot of good tips on meditation which I have incorporated into my own life.

Gilbert's descriptions of the Indonesian people who live in Bali was a hoot. I am tempted to go there just to soak up the atmosphere. It sounds like a place full of beauty, grace and contradiction.

Gilbert strikes me as a needy, self centred woman, and her year travelling has not endeared her to me, but the woman knows how to write, so even though her life does not resonate in me, I really loved sharing the journey with her.

Surrounded by fat

When I found myself stuck in neutral (or even reverse) on the road to wellness, I regretted having called my blog fat.fighting.family. It made even less sense when Paul and Quinn didn't show much interest in blogging. But when I thought about it, I could see that there is all kind of fat in our lives that needs to be trimmed.

From the fat morning newspaper, that lands on my doorstep, full of flyers that are never read to the fatheads who participate in (and watch) reality TV, I seem to be surrounded by different kinds of fat in my life. There are even people who wear a fat face, a false one that professes to the world that they belong to the only religion worth joining, or have the nicest lifestyle and are the most giving, charitable people with their time, talent and treasure. There is also another kind of fat that people envelop themselves in, to protect them from being noticed, appreciated or even loved, maybe because they have been told if they stay fat, they are not worth loving, even by themselves.

After my boating accident which I wrote about earlier, I remember thinking, "So THIS is why God made me fat! So I could stay warm and float so well in the water."

Now the question becomes why am I hanging onto this fat and the lifestyle that goes with it? The risks far outweigh the reasons. It is time I shed what is holding me back on my journey through life and became a much lighter version of myself - in body, mind and spirit.

Homage to Caprica

The long wait is over and the battle widens. This television show is very enjoyable simply as a rich story. It also works as a warning to our civilization as we greet the advent of Artificial Intelligence coupled with the emergence of a religion with political potential at the same time as we witness the decline of the ruling religions of the world. Food for thought for sure. While speaking of food we decided to treat ourselves to beer and Indian food but passed on the rice and Naan bread. A noble compromise. Man cannot live on Rosedale food alone.

Tonight I merely re-aquainted myself with these fascinating characters. In the weeks to come Paul and myself will have many stimulating conversations while appreciating a perfect merge of technology and human drama.

What's new?

Apart from being older, fatter but hopefully wiser, I figured I'd mention briefly what we are all up to lately.

I quit working full time about two years ago. I really can't remember how long it's been. I just didn't feel that sitting at a desk 40+ hours a week was in my long term best interest. My body, mind and spirit were all screaming at me to get out of that situation. The adjustment has not been an easy one, because I have had a full time career that meant a great deal to me for over 3 decades. The time at home has not always been as productive as I would have liked, but I have managed to find part time work doing what I love, and have spent a good deal of time getting to know myself better through reading, works of art, and meditation. My general health has improved in the past few years since my TSH has stabilized at a manageable level, even though menopause is giving me new hormone challenges, I feel confident that I will be feeling much better in the golden years to come.

Paul is enjoying the challenges of a new position at work, and doesn't seem to mind the overtime it entails. He has a good buddy he likes to chill with on Friday nights to unwind from his hectic pace, and we continue to make a point of leaving town regularly, to have a change of scenery. I would like him to find a hobby he can become passionate about, but so far nothing has grabbed his attention. Paul's diabetes is under good management, but he is beginning to suffer with arthritis in one knee, so he is motivated to lose weight as much as I am.

Quinn is a young adult now, who makes her own decisions, with constant unsolicited guidance from her mom and dad. We supported her decision this summer to quit the business program at the local polytech. She is planning to work the next year and save up for a music diploma, hopefully the one offered in Victoria, BC. She also has a very nice boyfriend that keeps her grounded and happy. We were all shocked recently to find out that Quinn's liver is not functioning very well at all. Apart from being told to abstain from alcohol, lose 20 pounds and not take any Tylenol, she is expected to wait six months to retake the blood test. We hope this will work itself out and she can resume a normal life.

That's all folks. I hope you can check in with us here once in a while.

Never give up trying

Well, howdy my peeps! It has been way too long since I did this, I began to wonder if I ever would return to blogging, but a friend was right. I need to do this to get unstuck again. On the topic of weight, predictably we all fell off the wagon and have even more ground to regain, but I have a new optimism. 3 weeks ago Paul and myself started following the Rosedale diet. It's another type of low carb and its focus is to get our bodies to switch the fuel they prefer to burn from sugar to our body fat. It apparently achieves this when you starve it of sugars and give it readily available sources of good fat, like unsaturated oils. So for 3 weeks we struggled with a huge list of don'ts and went through the tedious weaning process. This week we are ready to begin our new way of life. The diet is now over, and even though the excess fat has yet to drop off we will begin to shed it every time our body runs out of conventional fuel. The difference this time is that it won't go after healthy tissue to find energy but rather the fat we have been storing up for years. I hope to become a regular blogger again so we shall see how it goes.

Back in the saddle again

We are nearly finished 5 weeks of Nutrisystem. It began as a way to relearn portion control and whether we can change our ways permanentlt remains to be seen. The short term results, though have been very good. Too bad we didn't weigh ourselves before we started. Our bathrtom scale is not that reliable, but it tells me I weight 270! I haven't been this weight for quite a while.

My near death experience

I have been asked to write about this here, since friend died this week and my fellow online friends are in shock and looking for comfort. There was a time 8 years ago when I thought I had discovered the simple truth of life. In the time that has elapsed since that experience, I have found myself sweating the small stuff again. Maybe re-writing about it will bring some much needed focus.

I was sailing in a small bermuda rigged sailboat in Shuswap Lake, BC with my aunt Maria and it was getting windy. None of the life jackets fit me so I wasn't wearing one as I struggled to pull the mainsail down. The spinacker wasn't reeling in properly either, and I couldn't get the motor started. With each tack across the wind, we were drifting further up the narrows and farther away from the dock, but we weren't in imminent danger. I was just feeling stupid because I had my sailor's ticket and I was bungling this.

A speedboat pulls up to us with 2 men and my uncle Ron inside. I am introduced to Gord and my uncle climbed in and tells us to go ashore, he'll sail it in alone. I refuse, challenging him to do better than I did. Gord decides to join us, a beer is passed to each of us and my uncle begins to dazzle us with his sailing prowess. He had us on a close haul, running fast, parallel to the shoreline, on a 45 degree keel. There the four of us were on the high side, my uncle Ron at the tiller, Gord, who had never been in a sailboat was handling the sheets, my aunt Maria beside him and I was closest to the hatch and mast. The starboard edge dipped into the water and our feet got wet. We were all surprised but the men quickly corrected. Then it happened again, only this time the boat continued from upright to port and our weight tossed us out without warning.

I was the last to surface because I had to kick myself free of a jumble of ropes. I asked everyone if they were OK. Only my aunt answered. The men tried to grab one of the ropes as the boat had uprighted itself and with the sheets still cleated, was moving away from us. They were dragged about 30 feet away from us and I called out to them to let the goddamned thing go. I was never so angry at an inanimate object as I was at that boat! Now there we all were, quietly treading water, out of each other's sight because of the foot-high choppy waves, no one saying a word.

I told Maria and Ron where each other was in relation to the other. Gord swam up to me and I could tell he was having trouble breathing. I instinctively kept my distance from him, then quickly made the decision to swim for the dock. I had an eight year old daughter that needed me, and I was going to do my best to reach her. It looked so far away now that I was in the water and not safe in a boat. Looking at a map later, we estimate we were in the middle of Anstey Arm, about 1/4 mile from shore.

I started doing the side stroke, because it is my best position and less strenuous, but I was afraid to see my aunt and uncle's heads in the water - or worse, not see them. I felt close to panic, so I forced myself to stay locked into a breast stroke, softly invoking God's name with each stroke.

Funny what thoughts go through your head at a time like this. I was too shocked to formally pray, but I never felt closer to my Creator. Because Ron would not turn to look at me or respond when I asked if he was ok, I began to imagine that he was already dead. I knew Maria was a strong water treader, but the waves were batting our heads about pretty good. I wondered how I was going to tell their daughter that they were dead. I was angry that their deaths were due to stupidity, easily preventable, but stupid boating accidents happen all the time. People never seem to learn because they never think it's going to happen to them. I laughed out loud at the irony of life, and that I was in this predicament! Imagine laughing at a time like this!

I hadn't swam far, but then I saw Quinn, my daughter walking alone on the shoreline. Every one had left the beach for the evening meal, and she had come back down to the beach on her own. She looked so small, but I knew from her clothing that it was Quinn. It is another mystery of that day to me, how the sight of her unreachable figure did not upset me. Shock can be a blessing, it left me focused on the work of swimming. Then a few minutes later, more figures appeared. By this time I noticed Gord had recovered his composure and was swimming beside me about 20 feet away. I realized if I could get close enough to land maybe they would hear me cry "help". No, still too far away. I kept trying as we continued to swim. I began to tire, and it started to feel like I might not make it. I could feel the waves pounding rhythmically against my left ear. Maybe imploring God's name over and over was not enough. I realized it was time to prepare my soul to meet Him. I don't remember the exact words my conscious mind formulated except the last bit, out of the Lord's prayer, "Thy will be done". I clenched my fists towards heaven and meant every word. I finally accepted that my fate was in my Higher Power's hands and not my own.

This next part will not be believed by some, but I don't care how whacky this sounds. I am not embarassed to tell it, regardless of what anyone thinks. I know it to be true. I felt a strong, very warm wave come up behind me and bodysurf me forward, at least 20 feet. It felt like a warm, loving hand, cupping my body. I actually saw the foamy wake break around my sides as I was propelled forward, probably just close enough for my voice to carry over the remaining water! My only reaction at the time was thanks, but I can't think about this now! This was too much for me to process, so awesome to contemplate. I'll think about this moment later. I continued to call, still no reaction from the tiny people on the shore. I kept filling my lungs with as much air as they could hold and continued to scream HEEEEEELP towards the dock for as long as I could. How could they know we were in trouble? The boat was out of sight and we were invisible to the naked eye. Later, Rona, the lady who heard us, said at first she thought she heard birds, then children's voices fooling around from some unseen vantage point. Finally in frustration, I moved my head from left to right as I screamed, not just aiming at the empty dock, but all across the shoreline of Queest village.

All of a sudden, I see people running about and a boat on its way. I will never forget the look on Robin, my rescuer's face. It was all contorted. I can only imagine what I must've looked like to him! Gord jumped in the boat unassisted with as much agility as a high jumper. He hadn't bargained for this when he asked for his first sailboat ride! I insisted they leave me there and try to find Ron first. Finally after time-wasting protestations, they agreed, threw me a lifejacket and took off looking for Maria and Ron. It seemed like a lifetime while I waited for that boat to return, but I was now safe. I had time to focus back on earthly needs (piddle in the water) and pray that I would not have to come back to the cabin alone!

When the boat came back for me, there was Ron, standing and grinning away with relief while Maria was slumped like a dead fish in the bottom of the boat. I went to her and tried to shelter her from the cold. She looked half gone, her skin was grey, her pupils were miniscule. The boat pulled up to the sandy beach, Quinn ran up and I broke down. Unearthly noises came out of me. Later the women onshore told me the sight was heartbreaking to them, they had felt so sorry for Quinn, she wanted a hug from me, but my arms couldn't move to console her, I was like stone. Everyone could see Maria was suffering from hypothermia and shock. My sister handed me a blanket and a tumbler full of scotch. I kept telling the story over and over to all the cabin owners who had heard the news and were swarming the beach.

Ron went straight to bed after the neighbors left. Regardless of the fact that we were all stupid not to wear PFDs, the poor guy blames himself to this day for what happened and is clearly uncomfortable when people bring the subject up. I stayed up half the night with Maria, she was still coughing and vomiting water. The boat was sold shortly after, at Maria's insistance. I still get flashbacks and the odd panic attack to this day, though not as often.

The next week in church, as the priest was reading the gospel (St. Paul to the Ephesians), I got a message from God. He conveyed the following, "See, this is what I want you to know" I remembered the miraculous wave and the feeling of warmth and unconditional love returned, overwhelming me. I dropped like a rock to the pew and lost it right there. I came away from that whole experience with a beautiful gift, the knowledge that all we take with us when we leave this world is pure L O V E. Love is all that matters. It is so simple! So why does life seem so complicated at times?

Here's the best analogy I can come up with of what my near death experience taught me: It is as if my own life's journey was represented by a single grain of sand. I began at the top of the houglass, among many grains, representing the many issues and aspects of life that I have to navigate, the sarcastically so-called "wisdom of the world". Everything gets so jumbled and unfiltered, so many distractions. Then on that fateful day just weeks ahead of my dreaded 40th birthday, I passed through from the top to the bottom of the glass, and everything suddenly became clear and in focus. Now, the huge trick for the second half of my life is to try not to let all those grains at the bottom of the glass cloud my vision again. I must try to focus on the message that life on earth is a gift, simple, finite and good, and all I will take out of this world is love.

The daily struggle of living a life with purpose continues... Enjoy your reward, Sid. Your leg of the race is over, the baton of love has been passed and we are left better off for having both felt and witnessed your love. We will miss you.

Did you know...

...the world is getting flatter? According to Thomas Freidman, the award winning journalist who wrote this bestseller, 11/9 started it (the Berlin Wall falling) and the aftermath of 9/11 has the potential to slow it down, but he believes the world must continue to flatten, and America had better be ready to embrace it or be steamrolled over by emerging economies, especially China.

I once lost a job due to outsourcing to India, and therefore felt that globalization was a bad deal for everyone other than big business. This book has convinced me that it is inevitable, virtually unstoppable, and big business does not have as much to gain from a flat world as individuals do.

Friedman talked to insiders at many of the corporations that have been on the leading edge of this new world phenomenon, and dispenses heaps of hope and fear at the same time. As painful as change is for some of us, we had better get used to it, because you ain't seen nothing yet.

Although it is a pretty dry read, I made notes on what I felt were the most interesting passages. I will post them here soon and look forward to everyone's comments.

OK, OK. I'll post something!

I have heard a few rumblings from some that don't like that poor eye. This ought to take care of it. I haven't bothered with this lately because the main focus was supposed to be weight loss and there hasn't been much good to report. Not much bad either. Yes, we are still going to the gym, but not as much as we should. We are still watching what we eat - sometimes. It's a matter of maintaining motivation and interest. There have been some complaints about the boring lunches. I have seen nice food come back uneaten and thrown away and that drives me crazy. Why bother, I figure? It is harder to change lifestyles TOGETHER than I thought it would be. As the mom, I feel responsible for not only myself but also for Paul and Quinn, and they are both harder to please as far as menu planning goes.

I am working on a few things this summer - two or three landscaping projects and a top secret one, that will be unveiled when finished. Have a great summer everyone!

Stevens Johnson Syndrome

Over three years ago, Quinn got braces and an expander put in. It was not the first time she had had some foreign metal installed in her mouth. When she was 7, the dentist had tried to control her thumb sucking with an appliance, but she contracted several persistant and penicillin resistant strep infections, and he took the appliance out as a precaution, because he could not rule out the possibility that the appliance was part of the problem.

A few weeks after the braces were installed, we again had to have a throat culture taken and Amoxil prescribed. A few days later she presented with what looked like pinkeye, so drops were prescribed. A day or two later her eyes and lips swelled up so the clinic sent us to the Children's hospital. The infectious disease clinic thought it was a virus but the eye clinic suspected SJ syndrome. The infectious disease clinic thought not because she did not have all the classic symptoms elsewhere on her body. Since only the mucous membranes in her eyes, nose and throat were affected they were reluctant to call it Stevens Johnson. They did not admit her, but asked us to return every day for a week so they could give her IV fluids, tylenol 3 for the high fever, and just keep consulting. They also gave her a 5 day course of Azithromycin.

She was no better after a week and they were no closer to a diagnosis. I got used to wheeling Quinn around the hospital between the two dueling clinics. It was wierd to see all the parents of other sick children looking so pathetically at the two of us. Were ther concerned for me or for Quinn or for themselves, wondering if she had some contagious disease? There was nothing wrong with her legs but she could not see properly because of the loss of the epitheum layer over her corneas and a membrane kept growing inside her upper eyelids. It had to be removed every few days. When she opened her mouth it was like that of a pus-filled monster in a horror flick.

I kept asking if she should have all the dental hardware removed. They finally shrugged and admitted it was worth a try. The orthodontist met us at his clinic on a Sunday morning and 20 minutes after they were out of her mouth, she opened her eyes for the first time in over a week!
The improvement was immediate and these pictures were taken by the eye specialist in the next few days.

The infectious disease clinic referred us to a dermatologist. He prescribed a concoction of Kao-Pectate mixed with xylecaine that Quinn gargled with before eating, to numb the pain of the food making contact with all that raw skin. He also ordered tests.

Quinn lost a whole month at school. Several months later she was sent to an allergist for more tests. She came out allergic to thiomercal, which is a preservative found in most eyedrops but that probably developed as a result of all the medications she was given while ill. The results showed no metal or penicillin allergy, but she was told to avoid both penicillin and ibuprophen as a precautionary measure.

I am writing this all down for one reason: to give someone else help and hope if they find themselves with a similiar, atypical reaction. The eye specialist said she was going to write a paper about this if Quinn turned out to have a proven allergy to metals. Sadly, there is no scientific proof that my own theory has any validity, the medical databases are so far empty. I think someday there will be a new syndrome discovered, a variant of SJ caused by the dual presence of metals and penicillin, neither allergy producing on its own but a deadly catalytic combination for some like my daughter. 

Hypo again!

I saw my internist again today. The results of Monday's blood test show my T4 is at 6.9 (normal is 8-22) I was surprised, because even though I felt cold and tired lately, I had put that down to fighting the cold virus that Quinn caught. That may well be, but I STILL feel better on the natural, dessicated pig thyroid than I ever did on Synthroid. May it's all in my head, but I feel like my mood is more natural, not drug induced. I felt angry most of the time, and everytime I caught myself in the mirror, I had a scowl on my face. My doctor is changing his prevvious position and now saying that there may be a small co-relation between the worsening of my eyes and hormone level. Just proves once again that doctors don't know as much as they sometimes let on. He seems impressed that I've done some research of my own. It's scary when a doctor lets on that a patient may have more up-to-date information than he has. I'm really hopeful that now that my dosage of thyroid has been raised from 60 to 90 mg, I have a pretty good shot at getting to the higher end of the T4 range, thus the lower end of the TSH range, since they are always inverse. I am impatient for this to be achieved, but I know it will take at least a month, maybe several before the drug's effects are stabilized for me. Then, I will kick the myself in the derriere and there will be NO MORE EXCUSES to staying this fat.

Week 11 Report

Back on the wagon after a load of "biz", as Paul would say, sidetracked us. None of us were being careful with our food intake and Paul was the only one who kept up the gym visits regularly.

So, this week, to get my mind off my growling gut, I am focusing on home improvements like painting, caulking, cleaning and organizing the utility room (yuck!). I had blood drawn this morning and will get the results on thursday, but I believe they will show I am nearing the high side of the T4 scale, where I want to be, because I am feeling much better lately. I would even go so far as to say that the natural thyroid hormone makes me feel more like the person I was before getting Graves. I have talked to a few engineering companies and even got a staff offer, but haven't found what I am looking for just yet. I also have some plans in the works that I am keeping under my hat, just in case you thought I was telling ALL here! Paul is switching jobs next week. He received a good staff offer that was hard to refuse. So until the right contract assignment comes along, I am a kept woman again! Quinn is working again, as a restaurant hostess. She likes it, gets to dress up Friday and Saturday nights. She is really growing up fast now. Literally.

As expected, our numbers have gone in the wrong direction after nearly a month of backsliding.

Janet 289 (gained 4) still down 6
Paul 255 (no change) still down 15
Quinn 219 (gained 4) still down 11

Week 8 report

The momentum was on hold temporarily while we had our winter doldrum vacation (ate too much) and the aftermath (didn't get to the gym enough). Paul has a virus at the moment and has felt too ill to exert himself. Quinn has a swollen tendon in her shoulder and the doctor has told her to lay off weight training for a month. She will be focusing on cardio. They both have run out of training packages, so they will be doing their own thing at the gym for a while. I have had a change myself. I quit my job last week, so will be slowing down my personal training sessions for a while, but hope to be back to Phoenix soon. My personal trainer, Debbie, has done some amazing work with me so far. I am feeling much stronger, my balance has improved and I look trimmer. My facial skin is starting to sag without the fat to swell the wrinkled out, I will have to do something to tone it up.

I saw my internist a few days ago and he agreed to try getting me to the low end of the TSH range. He cautioned me not to go past the range though, as it would cause damage. He also agreed to let me try natural meds, instead of Synthroid. It's called dessicated thyroid, derived from pigs' thyroid glands. He will monitor my blood results and dosages for the time being. I am relieved that he was open minded about this, even though he first suggested my symptoms indicated depression. I have suffered from depression in the past and I believe I can tell the difference (feeling pessimistic, hopeless and disagreeable) between clinical depression and hormonal imbalance (cold, tired, frustated, hopeful). He weighed me and between tuesday and thursday I dropped 7 pounds! My trainer says it looks like my body has finally realized that I was not going through a famine, so it shed some of the fat it was hoarding. My metabolic set point (like a thermostat) is lowering finally!

Now for the numbers:

Janet 284 (down 1 pound), Paul 255 (down 15 pounds), Quinn 215 (down 15 pounds)

Our plan for next week is to get back on track with our meals and portion control.

Somewhere between Lake Louise and Jasper
We saw some pretty dramatic vistas on our Family Day Weekend trip. We spent 3 nights at the Whistler's Inn, across from the historic Jasper train station. We completely went off our diets and enjoyed some local delicasies, like Banana Bread French Toast. I'll remember that taste for a while! Not to worry, though. I must have burned it off plus some the next day cross-country skiing. I am very proud of how I did my first time ever. I only fell once and no broken bones! 

2000 Calorie Plan for Paul

Breakfast, 500 calories

Whole Wheat Toast, 2 slices
Egg Whites, ¾ cup
Fruit Juice, ½ cup

OR

Oatmeal, 1 cup cooked
Hardboiled egg, 2
Fruit salad, ¾ cup

Snack, 200 calories

Yogurt, ¾ cup (175 g)
Granola, 2 Tbsp

Lunch, 450

Vegetables (cooked or raw), 3/4 cup
Meat (lean, no visible fat),3 oz (deck of cards)
Grain (cooked, rice or noodle OR tortilla wrap), ¾ cup

Snack, 200 calories

Fruit, ½ cup
Cheese strings, 2

Dinner, 450 calories

Grain (rice or noodle), 1 cup
Vegetables (cooked or raw), 1 cup
Meat (lean, cooked), 3-4 oz

Snack, 200 calories

Crackers (Simple Pleasures), 4
Milk (skim), ¾ cup